Went out last night and got really pissed and wasted.

I woke up next to a fat chick who was snoring and farting.

At least I got home OK!!

The wife's back on the warpath again she was up for making a home movie last night and

all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.

It was my own fault.

I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.

Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough….once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought, "Fuck it"….soldier on.

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong.

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked. I didn’t know what to do.

Then I remembered McDonalds serve breakfast until 11.30.

A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force.

The Sergeant doing the interview says:

"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit”

The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?”

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week.

Took her to the fair last night and it took me 5 hours to get her off the big wheel.